Colloquially referred to as “depression” or “chronic / severe depression” is formally classified as a “major depressive disorder” which in turn is a psychological condition that can be correlated to a constant feeling of sadness or deepening loss of interest/motivation or personal drive to participate in day to day life or even aspects of day to day life.
But what is depression?
This interference with normal daily functioning begins to have a compounding “knock-on” effect and more things seem to “go wrong” or “get worse” and even small tasks that one would normally not even think about, become overwhelming, gargantuan, giant monstrous undertakings.
Everyday things like doing the dishes or laundry or picking children up from school, getting things fixed around the house, engaging with your spouse or work tasks turn into psychological gauntlets that frequently get brushed aside or ignored in the wake of severe depression fallout.
Put on the mask
Irritability, anger, and agitation are common threads especially when it comes to dealing with relationships closest to you. The relationships where we don’t feel the need to hold up the “I’m fine” mask for any length of time. While the rest of the world may think that you are OK depressions insidious bouts drain all pleasure or joy out of real-life behind the scenes you lose interest in the things that used to make you happy, but you still fake it to be the person you wish you were.
Hey, are you OK?
It’s ok “I’m fine” (I also understand that you are conditioned to misunderstand any other kind of response other than “I’m fine”) I forgive you, please stop asking.
It just feels like “nothing seems to make me truly happy anymore”, “I just want to feel normal”.
An escalating sense of failure or inadequacy becomes prevalent and suicidal thoughts seep into the stream to form a new “normality”, in truth, there is nothing normal about depression it is complete fuckery, but you learn to hide it and live with it eating from the inside.
On some level.
You know there are no logical foundations for these thoughts but you have them anyway and worse still you believe them and believe them so deeply you are prepared to fight and defend them. Valliant attempts at shaking off my deeply rooted denial. All things are bright and beautiful … #notsomuch. I lie to the world and I lie to myself so much I believe it.
Then you start to cry.
Crying over nothing, or crying about small things, just crying, crying about everything. Force it away but it keeps coming back you feel the pressure on your chest and behind your eyes, the world makes no sense, you make no sense, nothing is working out the way you wanted, nothing. All this time everything you have worked so hard to make happen is collapsing and you can do nothing. Helpless, hopeless, trapped and disengaged from all clear thought.
I blame everyone, for everything especially those that dare to love me. I blame them for the state I am in and if not for that then I blame them for something else and make that thing the new thing to make a thing.
What is wrong with you, can I help you?
- Why can’t you just “snap out” of this?
- Why are you being such a drama llama?
Oh, not it’s because I do so enjoy being suicidally depressed that I choose not to snap of it. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers, when you liked my post on Facebook it meant the world to me, but right here right now you are not helping.
Let’s fix it the only way we know how.
Surely if you fill my everyday life with so many tasks, hobbies, interests work you will exhaust yourself to sleep and we can call that living the best life the new normal? Hyper-vigilant dedication in the fine age-old art of depression distraction. Distractify myself in social media, lurking in the fringes of yoga class all these things I have read on the internet will make me feel better.
I must take up badminton after the gym on Tuesday, leaving Wednesday open for Kungfu hip hop and pogo stick bouncing (that sounds like fun), yes all this, while holding down two jobs and a failed relationships everywhere.
Winning! Spending silly money on things I know I’m not going to stick to for any length of time or with any dedication as they don’t actually make me happy, but going through the motions anyway.
The opportunity of a lifetime
Oh look an opportunity to do something that will potentially make me happy comes along. Let me greet it with suspicion, mistrust and deeply embedded distorted emotions kept bottled from time beyond my memory and reinforced by my history of failures. Let me shoot that down quickly before it even gets started or takes root. Sabotage! sabotage!, excuse me while I sidestep those little life-changing turnaround moments just because it may make me feel worse! What if it doesn’t work out the way I want it to work? Think I will just save myself the pain and torment and let it pass by, better not to risk it.
Could do that, but it sounds like a lot of work.
Perhaps even better, why don’t I just get shitface drunk every night? That usually solves the problem right? I just pass out at some point and wake up with a killer hangover but sad and happy that I am not dead. True happiness, the gift of life.
Isn’t alcohol is the one size fits all depression antidote? Absolutely a magical depressant that is taken by depressed people thinking it will make them less depressed, temporarily status of borrowing your happiness from tomorrow, because you need it now.
Don’t think drugs work like that.
Majorly depressed people can often “put on a face” and deal with